One Year

In a few short weeks I will have been married to the love of my life for an entire year...it seems like just yesterday I was getting ready to walk down the aisle to say my vows to my husband. This year has been filled with tears, laughter, smiles, family and friends. I can't thank God enough for all we have been blessed with. In one year our life together has transformed in ways we didn't think possible.

Papa

Immediately following our honeymoon in August 2010, I joined Tyler in Austin Texas. I didn't have a job and was actually finding it quite hard to come by a teaching position at all. I remained unemployed and was slowly losing my faith and passion for life. As I sat at home alone, day after day, I was beginning to question my purpose for living. A few short weeks into the move and the painful job hunt I was informed that my granddad was in the hospital and not doing so well. Because I didn't have a job tying me down, I made the decision to go home. Some amazing friends blessed me with a plane ride to back Lubbock. Over the next month I sat with my granddad and watched his health go on a roller coaster of changes. Unfortunately he did not survive the battle he was fighting. The day he passed away was easily the most difficult I have ever had to endure. However, I slowly began to realize that because I didn't have a job at the time, I was able to be with Papa every day. In hindsight, this became the biggest unanswered prayer I have ever received. Through Papa I learned to take time to love those around me and to not take a single moment for granted. I thank God for the blessing of a wonderful grandfather.

Nicolas

Upon returning home from Lubbock, I took a nannying job for a little boy named Nicolas. Not the most glamorous job, but hey, it payed the bills. He taught me patience. Nicolas taught me to see the beauty in the little things. He taught me to be silly, because who really cares what others think if you're having fun? We as adults take everything so seriously... When you hang out with a 2 year old 24/7 you begin to see the world through the innocence of a child. Its beautiful. I recommend spending time with a little one...if only for a mere reality check. I thank God for bringing this little one to me. I not only had a blast, but I made lifelong friends in his parents.

Law School

Tyler has been planning to be a lawyer for a really long time. I feel like a lot of people dream of being lawyers and doctors and such, but those hopes disappear as they go through school and their dreams suddnely become inconvenient. Tyler is different...some may say he's stubborn, but I like to say he's driven. Tyler will always accomplish anything put in front of him. We spent this year looking at perspective law schools and new places to live. We have looked at it as an opportunity for an adventure set before us. We have thrown around places like Malibu, Colorado, New York, etc. Well, we waited for months to finally figure out where we will be living and as of two weeks ago, we are new residents in the quaint little town of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I am back in the position of no job and relying on faith to get us through each day. But with the help of friends and family alike, we are here. We made it. Finally. Tyler has taught me to be persistent. To always follow my dreams no matter how challenging they may seem. In him I see my future. I see protection. I see love. I am so proud of him I could go on and on. I am excited to see what life has in store for us and I couldn't be happier than where we are right now.

It has been a crazy year and at times I didn't think I would make it through. But I did. We have so much life ahead of us to live together. I thank God for all the opportunities and blessings set before us.

Those of steadfast mind You keep in peace—because they trust in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock. 
Isaiah 26: 3-4

The Greatest of These

What is the point of life? I suppose I will never know the answer to this question. Most people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life. Many of those individuals often miss the meaning in their searching.

In September my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. Long story short, he was in and out of rehab, no doctor could tell us what was wrong and were often times as frustrated as the family. I painstakingly watched day in and day out as Papa endured many painful tests to help determine the cause of his pain and therefore making it impossible for him to recover.

As said in my last entry, I went home to my husband in Austin after visiting my grandfather because things were looking up for Papa, and we thought that returning home was in his distant future. About a week after arriving home, I was informed that my grandpa had been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome. (This is a blood disease affecting the bone marrow’s production of blood as well as causes defects in the blood forming cells. MDS ultimately leads to Leukemia.) Because of my grandfather’s age and his unfortunate weakness due to his extended hospital stay, we were told he had about 2-6 months to live. This was the hardest news I have ever had process. The very next day I was called yet again saying that the hospice nurse had visited and let my family know that death was approaching much more quickly than we initially were told, and that the family should return to Lubbock to say our goodbyes immediately.

My husband being the amazing man he is, drove me to Lubbock that night to be with my grandpa. I was surprised to find a very happy and peaceful Papa. Over the week we were overwhelmed with visitors who Papa had touched in his past. He was such an amazing person…people were drawn to his sense of humor and love for music. People showed their love in song: a barbershop quartet graced him with their voices, a dear friend played the mandolin for him, and an amazing pianist shared her musical talents with a CD she recorded. One day after all the musical visitors, Papa looked at me and said, “This has never happened to me before.” I asked what he meant. He responded, "nobody has ever honored me like this before.” No matter how ‘out of it’ we think dying loved ones are, I truly believe they are very much in tune with what is going on around them. Papa was so touched by all the visitors and knew they were honoring him out of their love for him.

I have never felt so connected to a person as I did sitting with my grandpa each day of the final week of his life. I felt as though I wore out the words” I love you.” Each moment it was my goal to let him know I loved him in any way possible. I loved holding his precious hand and letting him know I was next to him. For the first time in years, we as a family were all in the same room together. All the mattered in the world was Papa. That was it. I sat and watched many of my loved ones say their goodbyes and let him know it was okay to go. I have never witnessed anything more beautiful. It was real, unrefined emotions. You never know how much you love a person until you are forced to say goodbye to someone as they leave this world.

As we watched him slowly depart from us, I couldn’t help but be overcome with how much love he was surrounded by…A wonderful wife who he had loved with his whole heart for over 50 years, his children, in-laws, and grandchildren.

I don’t think we will ever truly know what the point of life is, but in my life, I want to make it my personal goal to love everyone with my whole heart and do my best to overuse the words “I love you.” You never know who you are touching in a positive and sometimes negative way. I pray that when it is time for me to leave this world, that I am surrounded by the kind of love Papa was blessed with. He so impacted the world around him. He led our family with strong hands. The point of life my life, is to love all I can. Love is the most important thing life has to offer. Love is the reason death is so difficult…we want so badly to hold on to our loved ones. Death hurts because we will no longer be able to physically and verbally show our love. The awesome thing is, love never leaves us. The memories that love engraves on our hearts can never be taken from us. I thank God for every moment I had with my Papa. I am so lucky to call him my grandpa. I will never forget the last words he said to me, “ I love you too kid.”

In honor of my Papa’s memory, I will choose to love and embrace the world around me.

Three things will last forever-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is LOVE!

1 Corinthians 13:13

One Breath At A Time.

2 to 6 months to live.
How can anyone possibly put a limit on ones life? This is something I will never understand, nor do I think it is something I am supposed to understand. Although I can’t comprehend, I am being forced to face this reality.

July 31st, 2010.
My wedding day.
I felt so blessed for so many reasons on this day. One reason being that my grandparents were there to witness the occasion. Because my maternal grandmother had passed away 11 years ago, my paternal grandparents are all I have. I can't count on all my fingers and toes how many times I thanked God for the blessing of having my MiMi & PaPa present on this day. I now know truly what a huge blessing that was.

October 20th, 2010.
            Yesterday I received a phone call that will haunt me forever. My dad called to tell me that my grandpa has been diagnosed with a bone marrow disease that will eventually rob him of life in roughly 2-6 months. My grandpa fell a few weeks after my wedding and was admitted to the hospital. He has not left since.
            I was blessed with the opportunity to go home and be with him in the hospital for one month. This is another blessing I can't thank God for enough. I became even more aware of his beautiful spirit as I sat next to him and watched him joke and laugh his way through the hardest of days. I am not sure how we as a family are supposed to make it through this, or how one is supposed to live life when someone you love so much has been given a time limit on their life.
            All I can do is thank the Lord for the amazing 23 years I have been blessed to call him my PaPa. I will praise God for each new day that this world is graced with PaPa’s presence. Thank you Lord for each moment he has. Let us see the beauty in the present. Let us not dwell on the unknown of the future.

I guess that in this life, all we have is time.
Time to love.
There is not time to fight and argue and waste beautiful minutes over the things that are meaningless. I am learning this hard lesson. But I can't even waste time on regretting moments I myself have wasted on meaningless nonsense. It's not worth it. The past is the past...all we have is today.
One breath at a time...

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 18:2